Said He, " 'Tis but eight inches, so I guess I'll let it hang. But when the Lord made Mother Eve I imagine he did snort. For He found the whang he sewed her with was several inches short.
So ever since that day when Human life began, There's been a constant struggle 'twixt the woman and the man. Women swear they'll have the piece that from our belly hangs, To fill the awful crack left when the Lord ran out of whang. So let us not be jealous boys, with that which women lack, But lend that little piece of whang to fill that awful crack. There was a jolly tinker And he came from Dungaree With half a yard of fungus Hanging down below his knee.
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The landlady's daughter Coming from the ball Saw the jolly tinker Lashing piss against the wall. Oh he screwed her in the parlor, He fucked her in the hall, And the servant said, "By Jesus, He'll be jumping on us all! O daughter, O daughter, You were a silly fool To get to fucking with a man Whose tool is like a mule.
O mother, O mother,. I thought that I was able, But he split me up the belly From the cunt up to the navel! With his long, long dilly-whacker, Over-grown kidney cracker, Looking for a scrimmage Around the belly whang. The pioneers have hairy ears, They piss through leather britches, They wipe their ass on broken glass Those hardy sons-of-bitches! When cunt is rare they fuck a bear, They knife him if he snitches; They knock their cocks against the rocks, Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
They take their ass upon the grass, From fairies or from witches; Their two-pound dinks are full of kinks Those hardy sons-of-bitches! Without remorse they fuck a horse, And beat him if he twitches; Their mighty dicks are full of nicks, Those hardy sons-of-bitches! To make a mule stand for the tool, He's beat with hickory switches; They use their pricks for walking sticks, Those hardy sons-of-bitches! Great joy they reap from buggering sheep In sundry bogs and ditches; Nor give a dam if it be a ram- Those hardy sons-of-bitches! The pioneers are a hardy race, They bother not with trifles, They hang their balls upon the walls, And shoot at them with rifles!
When booze is rare they do not care, They take a shot of Fitches; They fuck their wives with butcher knives, Those hardy sons-of-bitches! Oh, the men they wash the dishes in Mobile, Oh the men they wash the dishes, And they dry them on their britches, Oh, the dirty sons-of-bitches in Mobile! The cows they all are dead in Mobile, The cows all are dead, So they milk the bulls instead, Because the babies must be fed in Mobile!
Oh, they teach the babies tricks in Mobile, Oh, they teach the babies tricks And by the time that they are six, They suck their father's pricks in Mobile! Oh, the eagles they fly high in Mobile, Oh, the eagles they fly high, And from way up in the sky, They shit squarely in your eye, in Mobile! Columbo paced upon the deck He knew it was his duty He took his whang into his hand And said, "Ain't she a beauty! A little girl walked upon the deck And peeked in through the keyhole, He knocked her down upon her brown And shoved it in her peehole.
She sprang aloft, her pants fell off, The villain still pursued her; The white of an egg ran down her leg, The son-of-a-bitch had screwed her. Each sailor on Columbo's ship Had each his private knothole, But Columbo was a superman And used a padded porthole. Columbo had a cabin boy, He loved him like a brother; And every night they went to bed And corn-holed one another. For forty days and forty nights, They sailed the broad Atlantic, And as there was no tail in sight The sailors they got frantic.
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For forty days and forty nights They sailed in search of booty; They spied a whore upon the shore- My god, she was a beauty! All the men jumped overboard, A-shedding coats and collars; In fifteen minutes by the clock, She made ten thousand dollars. Those were the days of no clap cure; The doctors were not many; The only doc' that he could find Was a son-of-a-bitch named Benny. Columbo strode up to the doc' His smile serene and placid; The God-damned doc' burned off his cock With hydrochloric acid.
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For he knew the world was round - O - And his balls hung to the ground - O - That Dago-Bastard - with - the - seven - year - itch, That syphilitic - son - of - a - bitch Christopher Columbo! Oh, he knew the world was round - O - And a fair land could be found - O - That masturbating, fornicating, Son - of - a - bitch - Columbo! There once was a Spanish Nobillio Who lived in an ancient castillio; He was proud of his tra-la-la-lillio And the works of his razzle dum dee! One day he went to the theatillio, And there he saw a lovely dancillio Who excited his tra-la-la-lillio And the works of his twidle dum dee!
Nine days later he saw the doctillio- He had a fine dose of clapillio All over his tra-la-la-lillio And the works of his twidle dum dee! Now he sits in his lonely castillio, With a handful of cotton-wadillio, And he swabs off his tra-la-la-lillio And the works of his twidle dum dee! Oh, Ring-dang-doo! Pray what is that, As soft and round as a pussy cat, So warm and round, and split in two?
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She said that it was her ring-dang-doo! She took me down into her cellar, And told me that I was a damn fine feller, She gave me wine and whisky too, And let me play with her ring-dang-doo. She went down town and bought a store, And hung this sign right o'er the door: One dollar down, no less will do To take a crack at my ring-dang-doo! They came by twos, they came by fours Until at last they came by scores, The boys they came, the boys they went, The price went down to fifty cents. Then there came a lad, I know not who, Who sure played hell with her ring-dang-doo.
And she was glad when they all were through, For they had ruined her ring-dang-doo. And now she lies beneath the sod; Her soul they say is gone to God; But down in hell when Satan's blue, He still takes a whirl at her ring-dang-doo. Oh, the bards they sing of an English King Who lived long years ago. And he ruled his land with an iron hand, But his mind was weak and low. He loved to hunt the royal stag Within his royal wood, And 'twas none but knew that his greatest sport Was pulling his royal pud.
Under his jerkin was a leather shirt Which used to hide his hide, But this undershirt couldn't hide the dirt, That no one could abide. He was wild and wooly and full of fleas That humans ne'er could stand; And his terrible dong hung down to his knees- The Bastard King of England! Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous dame, And a sprightly dame was she, And she longed to fool with his Majesty's tool So far across the sea.
So she sent a note to the dirty King By her royal messenger, And requested his Majesty's sailing to Spain To spend a month with her. But when Phillip of France got the news one day, He turned to all his court And he said, "My fair Queen prefers this clown Because my tool is short. Then the news of this filthy deed was heard In Windsor's merry halls, And the King did swear he would have anon The Frenchman's greasy balls. So the loyal Duke of Essexshire Betook himself to France When he swore he was a fruiter, the King Took down his royal pants: Then around his prong he tied a thong, Got on his horse and galloped along, Until he brought to Windsor's merry halls, The Frenchman and his dong.
Then the King threw up, and he shit his pants; For in the lengthy ride The thong had stretched by a yard or more The fucking Frenchman's pride. We'll go through the whole darn shenanagan, A dollar and a half will be my fee. She was a'dillyin', and I was a'dallyin', I didn't know what it was all about, Till I missed my watch and wallet.
Out came the bims, and out came the bitches, There must have been a score or more. You'd have laughed to shit your britches To see my ass fly out that door! There was a gathering of the clans And all the lads were there A-feeling of the lassies, A-stroking of the hair. The parson's wife was in the parlor Explaining to the groom That the vagina not the rectum Was the entrance to the womb.
The parson's daughter was in the parlor A-sitting up in front With a ring of roses round her hair ' And a carrot in her cunt. Aimee McPherson, she was there With her ass against the wall, Saying, "Come on all you laddies, I'll take you one and all!
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There was jerking in the parlor And jerking in the ricks, And you could not hear the music For the swishing of the pricks. It's hi diddle e asnicht, Hi diddle oo. There were four maids from Canada A-sipping cherry wine. The topic of the conversation was: Is yours as big as mine?
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The sun and moon can kiss my ass And never singe a hair. A man can go up in the middle of May And never come down till June. A man can go up in the middle of May And never come down at all. O, tickle my tits, you honey, O, sniffle the slimy slew. O, rattle your nuts against my guts, I'm one of the whorey crew! She was poor but she was honest And her parents were the same, Till the country squire came courting, And the poor girl lost her name.
She was poor but she was honest, Victim of that squire's whim. First he had her, then he left her Going to have a child by him. So she went -away to London Just to hide her guilty shame There she met an Army chaplain Once again she lost her name.
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So she settled down in London Sinking deeper in her shame; Till she met a labor leader And again she lost her name. See him in the House of Commons Making laws to put down crime, While the poor girl that he ruined Wanders on through mud and slime.